Episode 73: Raising Emotionally Strong and Worry Free Kids
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Need effective tools to help your kids overcome worry and anxiety and build strong emotional health? Sissy Goff and David Thomas are back with Season 5 of the podcast to help you navigate all of the emotions!
Get the books, Raising Worry-Free Girls and Raising Emotionally Strong Boys and follow along this season!
Braver, Stronger, Smarter - This illustrated guide--created for girls ages 6 to 11, the stage when anxiety issues often surface--will help your daughter see how brave, strong, and smart God made her.
Strong and Smart - This workbook was created primarily to help elementary-age boys understand themselves better and learn how to work through overwhelming emotions. With relatable stories and writing and drawing prompts to guide him, your boy will learn for himself what it takes to be strong and smart, tough and tender, loyal and loving.
A special thank you to our partners of this week's episode:
Organifi - Go to www.organifi.com/RBG and use code RBG for 20% off your order.
EveryPlate - Get started with EveryPlate for just $1.49 per meal on your first box by going to EveryPlate and entering code rbg149.
Transcript
Sissy Goff
Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.
David Thomas
I'm David Thomas.
Melissa Travathan
And I'm Melissa Travathan.
Sissy Goff
And we are so glad you've set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast will share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at Daystar Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help, and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.
David Thomas
You all know we love tacos around here.
Sissy Goff
Actually, we just love to eat.
David Thomas
Ain't that the truth?
Sissy Goff
But, you know, David, now that we both been trying to focus on adding more nutrition into our diet, we should tell them about organic now, which is helping us with that.
David Thomas
Yes, we should. Organifi is a line of organic superfood blends that offer plant based nutrition made with high quality ingredients.
Sissy Goff
I've never heard you say anything like that before. This is going to be really good for us. I love that each organic blend is backed by science to craft the most effective doses with ingredients that are not only organic but also free of fillers and contain less than three grams of sugar per serving.
David Thomas
Like Organifi green juice with essential superfoods and a clinical dose of ashwagandha. I just love saying ashwagandha. It helps reduce stress and supports healthy cortisol levels.
Sissy Goff
Saying ashwagandha or the green juice itself?
David Thomas
Both.
Sissy Goff
Okay. Or there's the Organifi red juice, a superfood punch that increases energy without caffeine and only two grams of sugar. Each Organifi blend is easy to use by simply mixing it with water or your favorite beverage while on the go. And they don't compromise quality for taste.
David Thomas
I put it in my smoothie! Organifi takes pride in offering the best tasting superfood products on the market at a price that works out to less than $3 a day.
Sissy Goff
That's less than the cost of a taco.
David Thomas
It is. So go to organifi.com/RGB and use code RBG for 20% off your order. That's organifi.com/RBG and use code RBG for 20% off any item.
Sissy Goff
We are officially in season five. So excited!
David Thomas
Can you believe that?
Sissy Goff
We've gotten a few more gray hairs, both of us over these.
David Thomas
We have indeed. Glad you can't see that through the microphone. But it is true.
Sissy Goff
Yes, but wow it has been fun.
David Thomas
Yes, it has. I'm so thankful people are still listening or I hope they are. Is anyone listening?
Sissy Goff
Wave at us if you're listening. I hope they are too. Lucy's listening.
David Thomas
She's listening. Lucy, thanks for being in the room.
Sissy Goff
Lucy my havanese puppy. Yeah. I cannot believe it's been five seasons.
David Thomas
I cannot either.
Sissy Goff
We've had a lot of fun conversations, a lot of amazing guests.
David Thomas
And we have more fun conversations and amazing guests coming up.
Sissy Goff
Because we have a big announcement. Tell them what's happening this season.
David Thomas
We are joining a new network...belongs to some dear folks we love, including our good friend...
Sissy Goff
Annie F. Downs.
David Thomas
The TSF - That Sounds Fun network.
Sissy Goff
So we're going to get a lot more fun now.
David Thomas
We are going to get a lot more fun. Just you wait.
Sissy Goff
But we want to say we're still connected to Minno and we are still very excited for them to be a part of what we're doing around here.
David Thomas
Going to be bringing some neat Minno Moments to our ongoing seasons.
Sissy Goff
Yes. And we're just so grateful for the team at TSF. All of them have been so kind and they really are as fun as they sound.
David Thomas
They are!
Sissy Goff
Every time we go, there's donuts and all kinds of things.
David Thomas
We had cake at our last meeting and it was ten in the morning.
Sissy Goff
So we can't wait. We can't wait to be a part of their network. We can't wait for you to join us for the season and to talk about some really important things.
David Thomas
We're excited to talk about what this new season is going to be about.
Sissy Goff
Yes, we are. So shall we say the title first? Okay, are y’all ready? Drumroll...
David Thomas
Raising Emotionally Strong...
David Thomas
...and Worry Free...
David Thomas
...Kids.
Sissy Goff
Woo.
David Thomas
Which is based on some books that we have had the great privilege of writing. We're excited to talk about those and talk about how we want to translate that content into this new season.
Sissy Goff
Yes. Okay, so let's jump in with yours first because I'm so excited about it. It is a much needed book in the world and in my world these days with two little nephews. So will you tell them what prompted you to write Raising Emotionally Strong Boys? Tell them the subtitle and then what prompted you to write this book and why are we talking about it on our podcast? Both.
David Thomas
Great question. The title is Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, and the subtitle is Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life.
Sissy Goff
Ooh, that's good. Tools.
David Thomas
And then I wrote a workbook for elementary age boys called Strong and Smart, which is all about helping boys build healthy emotions. And I am super excited about both those things. And, you know, if I were to think about the why of it, I think after doing this work for as long as you and I have been doing it, we just see a lot of trends and a lot of the same places, certainly some new places where kids are struggling, but a lot of the same places, too.
David Thomas
And I think, you know, if I were going to put my finger on sometimes I'm even asked that in interviews like, what's the one thing you feel the most concerned about with boys? When I think about all the things I feel concerned about with boys, they do all seem to go back to where I really want to help boys develop strong emotional muscles.
David Thomas
I talk a lot in the new book about how boys and adolescent males and adult men lead some of the scariest stats out there. Men lead the stats for suicide and substance abuse for infidelity and Internet pornography. And, you know, the common denominator being that it's a male's way of trying to name out whatever it is that he's feeling, that he doesn't know how to work it through.
David Thomas
And so he wants to shut it down, numb it out, make it stop. And so I just think about how much I want boys on the front side of development to develop the skills that make it always seem normal to talk about how they feel and to work that through in healthy, constructive way. So the workbook really is kind of a guide of how to do that for boys.
David Thomas
And I talk about how my two grandfathers growing up, one of my grandfathers, as you know, was a builder and I worked for him when I was in high school and my other grandfather was a fisherman. And I have all these memories of both working with my grandfather, who was the builder and going fishing with my other grandfather.
David Thomas
And I thought about when I was writing the books how, you know, my grandfather, the builder, always had a toolbox in the back of his truck and my grandfather fishermen always had his tackle box with him. And it's like any fisherman would ever go out on the water without a tackle box. Any builders not going to show up at a site without the tools he needs?
David Thomas
And what would it look like? That boys are armed with the tools they need emotionally all throughout life and always have him with them. And so in the workbook I kind of walk boys through building a tool set, a literal tool set of things that they have on hand for whatever they face in life. And I think that desire to equip boys is the very desire in you to equip girls.
David Thomas
So talk a little bit about why you wrote some of my all time favorite books on Anxiety and Girls.
Sissy Goff
Well, before I do, I don't know that I've ever told you this, Henry. My oldest nephew, is three as we're talking. And pretty soon after he was talking, talking not just saying kind of random words, but really talking. He started saying, I'm so sad. And when I'm in town, I try to have Henry and Whit now over for what - in Arkansas, where I grew up, we call them bunkin’ parties. But, you know, most of the world calls them sleepovers, whatever. Bunco parties are a better word. So I try and have him over one night a weekend for a bunk party. Anyway, so I was standing with Henry and his dad, Aaron, and Henry said something about I'm so sad.
Sissy Goff
And he slumped his little shoulders and Aaron looked at me and said, What are y'all doing at the bunkin’ party? But you know what? If that's my legacy that Henry is learning how to say, I'm sad, I'm so excited about that.
David Thomas
I love that.
Sissy Goff
I have heard you talk about that so much. How preventative it is for boys to learn how to talk about their emotions early on. So we're working hard at our bunkin’ parties on...
David Thomas
I love that you are.
Sissy Goff
...emotions in boys. Yes.
Sissy Goff
David, I am so excited - Fall is finally here!
Sissy Goff
Me too.
Sissy Goff
Fall means we can get back to routine, back to busy schedules, all the things we love as Enneagram ones and even some things we don't love. Never ending weeknight dinners that need to be made.
David Thomas
Why do kids always need to eat dinner?
Sissy Goff
I think it has something to do with maybe keeping them alive, but thankfully we know of a great time saving hack. Every plate meal kits. David Did you know every plate is 25% cheaper than grocery shopping?
David Thomas
That seems like a no brainer. There is no reason to turn to takeout when things get hectic because every plate is also 58% cheaper than your average fast casual meal.
Sissy Goff
That makes it an easy choice for me. Every plate's quality ingredients come pre proportioned to help you save money and reduce food waste. You know, like that bag of spinach you throw out every week.
David Thomas
That poor bag of spinach never gets eaten. And every plate is so easy to set up. I just place my order, Sissy and I cannot wait to try the sweet chili port tacos and the chocolate lava cake.
Sissy Goff
Maybe you can kind of get me over. Well, I'm excited too. It was so simple to order and they had so many meal options to choose from. I'm really excited about having Henry over for some barbecue pork sloppy joes. Get started with Everyplate for just a dollar 49 per meal on your first box by going to everyplate.com and entering code rbg149. That's every plate dot com and entering code rbg one four nine.
Sissy Goff
So the girls books they originated. It's kind of a funny story. The first book came up because we wrote a book that some of y'all know about was the first season of our podcast called Are My Kids On Track? And I didn't even remember that I had written this blurb about girls and anxiety and kids and anxiety in general that at that point, which was they were What year do we write Are My Kids on Track? We’ve got to find it.
David Thomas
2015, I think.
David Thomas
How did you know that?
David Thomas
Maybe it released in 2015.
David Thomas
How did you know that?
David Thomas
Well, I might have made it up.
Sissy Goff
Well, okay. So 2015, the statistics were one in eight kids were dealing with anxiety. And I talked in that section about how much more prevalent it was among girls and Ed, that we did not know at the time who we have now come to love dearly. Jeff Bryan emailed me and he said, Hey, I just read this blurb.
Sissy Goff
You also talked in it about how the average age of onset was eight and he said, I was wondering if you would ever write a book for girls, for young girls about anxiety and of course, doing the work that we do. And as you said, we have done for a long time. My immediate response was not unless I can write one for parents, two, I wrote those books in 2018.
Sissy Goff
I think they came out early 2019. I have to look in the copyright section of the book every time. It's terrible prepaying them. I wrote them. So raising worry for girls is for parents. And Braver, Stronger, Smarter is for elementary and early middle school girls. And at that point, I did a deep dove into research on anxiety and read 23 books.
Sissy Goff
I think to get ready to write those two. And shockingly so, that's probably five years from when we wrote Are my kids on track? Are for two. When I wrote those books, the statistics had jumped from one in eight kids to one in four kids with girls twice as likely. And the average age of onset that was eight had dropped to six with signs as young as four and five.
Sissy Goff
And I think where I also felt so inspired to do it as we just sit with so many parents, both of us. But again, I'm seeing more of it because of girls who are describing a lot of frustration with their kids and using words like angry and controlling and manipulative and demanding those parents feel weary and frustrated as a result, rather than understanding what's really going on underneath those emotions.
Sissy Goff
And like we talked about, we quote our good friend Tina Bryson when we had her on and where she talks about all behaviors, communication and so understanding that often what's at root of that for girls is anxiety. And so I'm very excited this season of the podcast to talk more about that. And we're going to talk about it with boys and girls.
Sissy Goff
But what we're seeing that so prevalent and how can we equip them with tools to handle it on the back side, and what can we do on the front set to equip them? Because I am increasingly concerned about, particularly for girls, the pressure that girls live in today. And so there's a lot we can do to help them and there's a lot we can do to shift things in our homes and in our world so that maybe they don't get there to the same degree.
Sissy Goff
And then after I wrote those books, the pandemic started and we were in the stay at home portion of time, and I was doing a lot of Zoom counseling. The elementary age girls had been so worried about and were feeling so much pressure and anxious. It was fascinating actually. They were hopping on the computer and all of a sudden they had a little stuffed animal tucked up under one arm and they were having a ball.
Sissy Goff
And I think some of that was we were at home and the pressure was off and they were getting to connect and do some of the things that we kind of have lost culturally today. But the population I immediately was most concerned about were adolescents. I mean, I really do think I wrote Brave, the book for teenage girls in two months.
Sissy Goff
I was bored for one day, but I was so worried about them and wanted a tool to put in their hands, too. And so we're going to be talking about all of those things. And I'm just so excited about the boys in the girls and the preventatively and responsively and all the ways we're going to come at really helping kids understand their emotions and how to regulate their emotions and how they can carry them forward.
Sissy Goff
And even those emotions can be positive tools to walk through life.
David Thomas
Yes. Well, and you began answering a question I wanted to ask you, and I'd love to know, is there anything else that you hope parents take away from either reading the book or listening to this season of the podcast?
Sissy Goff
I think a good understanding of what anxiety really does look like and the things in our world that are contributing to it for girls. I always think it's hard to be a girl, but I have never felt like it was harder to be a girl than in the time that we're living in. There's just so much coming at them.
Sissy Goff
And so for us to be able to understand and have compassion out of that understanding would be one thing. And I think the other one of the things I read in my research was that in light of anxiety, the two most common parenting strategies are escape and avoidance. And I think we are doing more rescuing kids than we have ever done.
Sissy Goff
My hope is that we're going to give you a lot of really practical parenting strategies with boys and girls that are not just going to be helping arm them with tools, but they're going to be tools for you to handle things differently and to build a lot of resilience and resourcefulness in them.
David Thomas
I love that.
Sissy Goff
What about you?
David Thomas
You know, I would say I open raising emotionally strong boys with that Frederick Douglass quote that I love so much that says it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. And I think about that so often when I think about, you know, the stories that you and I hear in our office every day. And I think, you know, in 25 years, one of the more common reasons that I think families seek, they start out is they're navigating the transition of separation and divorce.
David Thomas
And I think about how common it is that a chapter within that story that brought them there is something that happened with a dad. It's not to say there's not things happening with moms, because we certainly know there are. But how often it is that addiction or infidelity or something and evidence of that brokenness with men, then I just want to do everything possible to just get in front of that, of equipping boys and and even like reframing what it looks like.
David Thomas
You know, I think we have such clear ideas. It feels like in this world about what it looks like to be healthy physically, but not as much about what it looks like to be healthy emotionally and spiritually. And it was interesting when I did the research for the book, I came across these statistics that weren't surprising, but it was interesting to see it laid out so clearly that men are more reluctant to openly discuss their health.
David Thomas
There was even stats around how few men go for a well visit every year with their doctor versus women who go with consistency. They have more difficulty identifying how they feel about significant life events. They're more resistant to act when they don't feel physically or mentally well, whereas women are more likely to do that. And then you layer in, they engage in more risky activities that are harmful to their health.
David Thomas
So I think if you add all those things together, it sadly, unfortunately explains a lot of what we hear in our offices. Commonly, those stories and where is hopeless is I think those statistics can be or those reminders. I think I feel so hopeful because I just think I just get excited, you know, even if we were to think about what came from the pandemic of all the hard things that came, I think there's never been a time in history when we're talking as much about mental health as we are, and I hope we carry that forward long after we're fully on the other side of this pandemic.
David Thomas
I want to talk about that as much as we can in the lives of kids, which is why I get so excited about this new season.
Sissy Goff
Me too. So let's talk about how we're going to break down the season, David, and how it's going to be divided up because it's going to lend itself to a lot of tools and a lot of the very things we're talking about. When you talk about how we're going to talk about the boys section and I'll jump in on girls.
David Thomas
Yes. So I actually broke the book down into three parts, which I think could make for some fun conversations for us with boys and girls as we talking about raising emotionally strong words for kids this season, I break it down into the strength of emotion. And so we're going to talk about how boys and girls navigate emotions differently.
David Thomas
And do they? And we're going to talk about the strength of connection, which I think will be so fine to talk about how boys and girls approach relationships differently. And then the last section is the strength of purpose, and we'll just talk about how we move the kids we love toward more purpose and even how that looks differently with boys and girls there.
David Thomas
So yeah, I'm super excited to get to talk about those things.
Sissy Goff
I haven't told you the story that I went to my first Henry soccer game recently three and four year olds on the soccer team. It was a blast and hilarious what I experienced, I think, is exactly why you probably read the last section of the book and something that we see in our office. I mean, I think the game was a total of 20 minutes.
Sissy Goff
Henry did great. He actually scored the first goal (I have to brag) first goal for his team for the whole season.
David Thomas
Henry Webber!
Sissy Goff
I’m so proud of him! But he was on the field for maybe 3 of the 20 minutes. And you know who was on the field carrying the ball the whole time?
David Thomas
Oh, yes, I do.
Sissy Goff
Girls! I think he was spinning around in circles. He came off three times for snacks. The boys were all over the place and the girls were so focused. And I think they feel that sense of purpose and the pressure that comes with it. So, yes, there's so much I'm really excited about all those things that we're going to talk about.
Sissy Goff
And for the girl books, I broke it down into understanding, help and hope. And we sure want to infuse the season with all three of those things and we'll talk about them in a lot of different ways. And the Help section, are there really practical tools that we're going to give to girls and boys for anxiety or whatever it is they're going through? We're going to talk about a lot of different things and have some great guests on addressing a lot of these issues too.
Sissy Goff
I hope all of you listening know that David and I right now are sitting in the little house in David's office where we record every podcast and this is where we sit all week - I don't sit in your office, I sit in my office - but where we sit all week and we are sitting with kids and families and we love that we get to have this podcast and share with you all what we're hearing daily, where kids are struggling, where parents are struggling and share the tools we're learning on an ongoing basis with you. That's why we have this podcast to bring understanding and help and hope and strength of purpose for all of us. So thank you for following along with us and joining us in the conversation. We can't wait to have lots more really rich conversations with you.
Jess Wolstenholm
Hi, this is Jess Wolstenholm from Minno and we are so excited about the Raising Boys and Girls podcast partnering with the That Sounds Fun Network this season. It's going to be a great season, as David and Sissy have said, filled with so many wonderful guests and conversations. Listen in to the end of every show where we'll bring you short tips and insights from myself or our CEO, Erick Goss, or other members of our team about how to make screen time count and how to integrate faith into your everyday lives, because that's what we're all about at Minno. You can find out more at GoMinno.com.